You're a pain in the ass to get a hold of.

Love,
Bri

Not bad, considering I never get to raid anymore. D:

So what constitutes as "too soon"? Too soon to share my thoughts, my true feelings on all of the matters that have gone on in the past two months. A friend recently asked me something very similar, and I told said friend that it was their life, they shouldn't compromise for anyone. They need to be happy, they shouldn't have to hide it. So what, I might ask, is exactly holding me back? It may have something to do with the fact that I care about peoples' feelings a lot more than I claim. It may also have something to do with the fact that every time I do bother to open my mouth, to share what's on my mind, I'm attacked, ridiculed, and threatened like nobody's business. My opinions and my feelings are not right, not good enough unless they cater exactly to how someone else wants me to think and feel. And frankly, I'm tired of it being like that. For once, I think I should start taking my own advice.

Despite everything that has happened, I've managed to remain fairly upbeat. I've yet to properly mourn my father's passing. I say "properly", but to be honest, I'm not even sure what that means. Am I supposed to break down into a sobbing mess? Let the world stop turning for me? Honestly, he'd kick my ass (if it were possible) if I was anything like that. That man taught me to be strong, hated it when I cried, and essentially went out of his way to make sure that, next to him, I was the biggest pillar of strength this family had. It's not that I don't care. It's not even that I don't miss him, or don't think about him. Granted, I have been accused of both by my step-mother not-so inadvertently lately. But it's really not that. When I found out that he had passed away, my mother was in the middle of a meltdown. Fighting with Scott, tons of drama at her workplace that was being put on her when it shouldn't have been... I was standing beside her, trying to comfort her and waiting for my step-father to come out and seriously lay into him for how he was treating her when my grandmother came out and told me the news. I remember feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach. And amidst all of the drama, wondering, "What the hell did I do?". My mom tried to reverse the roles, trying to comfort me, but I'd have none of it. She needed me at the time, not the other way around. I did cry, a little. I'm fairly certain my pillowcase still has mascara marks from it. But still.

It's not that I don't care. It's not that I don't miss him.I just prefer to remember the best parts and times with him, and it makes it so much easier. I firmly believe the old man is sitting up there watching over me right now, taking care of me when Nathan can't be there to do so. He has to be. I've never felt this safe before, especially when there's no one around.

I've spent more time with Nathan in the past few weeks than I think I ever spent with a single human being. Whether I'm at his place or he's at mine, at work, just out somewhere... You name it, our time is spent together. And the times we are not are short-lived. I don't think I've ever been blind-sided by one person before, but he's succeeded in all aspects. I'm mesmerized by him, so to speak. Nothing's felt so 'right' is such a short period of time. I've done a lot of thinking on it. I know exactly when it was that I realized just how I felt about him, and how strongly. I know what the trigger was now. Given the critics, however, I'll keep that to myself.

I thought that I had so much I wanted to say about him, and about the two of us, but it's now that I realize that when I go to talk about him, I'm speechless. I cannot put what he's done for me, what he's STILL doing for me, into words. I cannot express the wonderment and amazement he brings to my life, the feelings that he causes to stir within me. I love him. I don't know how he did it, but I love him. He's everything I ever could have wished for. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I'd say I don't think about Mitch very often, but that would be a lie. There a lot of times when things happen or things are said that I want to share with him, or I find a picture somewhere that I want to show him, or I have an idea for a story that I want to run by him, and for that split-second I forget that I can't anymore. It's...extremely strange to go from 3+ years of a friendship like his to nothing flat, cold turkey. It stings sometimes, too, but a part of me can't help but wonder if it's for the best. For his sake, rather than mine, I hope it is. I really never wished anything but happiness for him, even if deep down I knew that I wouldn't be the one to give it to him. To say it doesn't hurt would be a lie, but I'm not making that move to fix things. I'm never going to contour to fit what he wants. If I didn't for Dustin, I'm not going to for him. Compromise is not beyond me, but it's time I put me first.

So goes another day. I have to work tonight, and am definitely not looking forward to it. My left arm feels like it's going to fall off. I've resolved that the only way to make it feel better is to either cut it off or ram it into a wall until it numbs up on me. This is awful. :(

Most of the songs attached to this playlist come along with some craptastic memories (Okay, not really. I'm not that big of a liar. A little sting, I guess.), but...


I never thought I'd be in love like this
When I look at you my mind goes on a trip
Then you came in, and knocked me on my face
Feels like in I'm a race
But I already won first place

I never thought I'd fall for you as hard as I did
(As hard as I did, yeah)
You got me thinkin' bout our life our house and kids, yeah
Every mornin' I look at you and smile
'Cause boy you came around and you knocked me down
Knocked me down

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

I never thought I'd, hear myself say, ooh, ya'll gon' head
I think I'm gonna kick it wit my girl today, kick it wit my girl today
I used to be commander and chief
Of my pimp ship flyin' high, flyin' high)
Til I met this pretty little missile that shot me out the sky
(Oh shot me out the sky)

Hey, now I'm crashing, don't know how it happened
But I know it feels so damn good
Said if I could back, and make it happen faster
Don't you know I would baby if I could
Miss Independent, ohh, to the fullest, the load never too much
She helpin' me pull it
She shot the bullet that ended that life
I swear to you the pimp in me just died tonight
Girl sometimes love

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

Tell me now can you make it past your Caspers
So we can finally fly off into NASA
You was always the cheerleader of my dreams that
Seem to only date the head of football teams
And I was the class clown that, always kept you laughin'

We, were never meant to be baby we just happen
So please, don't mess up the trick, hey young world I'm the new slick rick
They say I move too quick, but we can't let the moment pass us
Let the hourglass pass right into ashes

Let the wind blow the ash right before my glasses
So I wrote this love letter right before my classes
How could a goddess ask, someone that's only average
For advice, OMG, you listen to that bitch?
Whoa, it's me, baby this is tragic
'Cause we had it, we was magic

I was flyin', now I'm crashin'
This is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson
Now I'm mad, real mad, Joe Jackson
You should leave your boyfriend now, I'mma ask him

Say you gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad
So will u bring a better future than I had in the past
Oh Cause, I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did
I don't wanna fall back on my face again
Whoa, whoa, I'll admit it, I was scared to answer love's call
Whoa, whoa, and if it hits better make it worth the fall
(When it comes around)

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

Won't see it coming when it happens, hey
But when it happens you're gonna feel it, let me tell you now
You see when love knocks you down

Won't see it coming when it happens
But when it happens you're gonna feel it, let me tell you now
You see when love knocks you down
Yeah

I'm still alive. Happy Thanksgiving and etc.

Bri <3s a Nathan. S'about all I have to update.

Nathan hates this song. The fact that I have it on and blasted makes me snicker, but the idea that he'd probably throw stuff at me if he were here kinda scares me. The stuff he throws tends to break things. Or nearly break things. See: Produce displays.

The last two weeks have been hell. The fights, break-up, and Dustin's attempted suicide, my father's passing, the turmoil between my mother and step-father here in the house... All of it is piling up and really, I'm waiting for whatever strength I have to finally wane and let it all crash down on top of me. But I'll take that as it comes. No use in worrying about the inevitable.

Today is a good day. Nathan came over after work and spent time with me. We went to breakfast and saw my mom, did a candy run for the store, screwed around on WoW some, and then he headed home. I've glanced outside and the sun is shining. Tonight, I go back to work (As I have not been to work in the past three days), and then have another two days off. I'm kind of looking forward to it. It's strange to not be apprehensive about going into work. Other than getting canned, what bad news do I have left to run into? What drama, other than Wal-Mart drama, is going to lurk there? None. And that's something to look forward to.

The old man, the crazy cashier(s), my Wizard of Oz-singing manager, and my produce guy. Fuck the freight count, I'm looking forward to tonight.

Staceface says (5:19 PM):
*lol
*Ranting is for the birds
*Now screaming at people...that's the ticket
Bri - [And you're just wasting your time, trying to throw me a line, when you're the one drowning...] says (5:19 PM):
*Akumos: Good lord, I've never seen you say some of the shit you're saying to Mitch before.
PaminaCalidon: ..?
Akumos: Really ripping into him.

That said it all to me.
Staceface says (5:20 PM):
*lol
Bri - [And you're just wasting your time, trying to throw me a line, when you're the one drowning...] says (5:20 PM):
*Your MSN status is fucking hilarious.
Staceface says (5:20 PM):
*Life is easier when you just don't fucking care
Bri - [And you're just wasting your time, trying to throw me a line, when you're the one drowning...] says (5:20 PM):
*You're right.

You all hate your children,
They're too fat to feed.
You're on medication,
Taking pills to sleep.
I think I'm doing just fine,
Compared to what you've been doing,
I won't get vaccinated,
Insurance costs too much.
You think you're so persuasive,
But I'm not giving up,
Saving my life,
It's not what you're doing.

I, I won't justify,
The way I live my life,
'Cause I'm the one livin' it,
Feelin' it, tastin' it,
And you're just wasting your time,
Trying to throw me a line,
When you're the one drowning.
I like where I'm at on my back,
Floating down in my own riptide,
The water is fine.

I like to step on cracks,
I go against the odds,
You think my world is flat,
Do I turn you on?
Maybe, yeah I'm wrong,
But I like where I'm going.
I leave when others stay,
I never re-decide,
I don't mind if you wait,
But I don't waste my time.
Crazy is just fine,
'Cause I like where I'm going.

I, I won't justify,
The way I live my life,
'Cause I'm the one livin' it,
Feelin' it, tastin' it,
And you're just wasting your time,
Trying to throw me a line,
When you're the one drowning.
I like where I'm at on my back,
Floating down in my own riptide,
The water is fine.

I remember when it used to be easy,
I remember when it wasn't so hard,
I remember when it used to be easy,
I remember when, I remember when.

I, I didn't have to justify,
The way I live my life,
'Cause I'm the one livin' it,
Feelin' it, tastin' it,
And you're just wasting your time,
Trying to throw me a line,
When you're the one drowning.
I like where I'm at on my back,
Floating down in my own riptide,
The water is fine.

I remember when it used to be easy,
I remember when it wasn't so hard,
I remember when it used to be easy,
I remember when, I remember when.

I know someone who would've been 100% behind me. Fuck the people who aren't.

Nathan's done a damn good job of keeping me from crumbling. Thank you. <3

The amount of bullshit I've read today from the two people I formerly considered closest to me in life is just...amazing. I don't mean the good, "Aww, how sweet", breath-taking kind of amazing. I mean amazing in the sense that I did not know it was possible for two grown men to be so fucking full of themselves, so sure of their own fantasy worlds and so absolutely positive that I am such a horrible person, all because I won't cave to their crap.

I can say one thing about all of this for certain. I solemnly swear to you, Dustin, that I will not do the things that you have accused me of doing to you to Nathan, or the things I've "done" to Steve, Angelo, and Mav that you pretend to understand. I will never do those things to him because he is not you. He's fucking better than you. It's about time I was honest about that, isn't it?

Enjoy your lives, both of you. You're no longer a part of mine.

EDIT: Oh, right. That thing about not closing doors I kept saying? I lied. BIG SURPRISE RITE

Robert Franklin Russell
May 18, 1951 - November 18, 2009

I'm pretty sure I understand that world crashing down around you thing now.

I'm sorry, Ang. Feel free to AIM me or e-mail me or call me or..whatever, and we can talk. I was asleep when you IMed me.

As for the rest of you, tl;dr, don't care.

I've gone over this entry in my head a few times, and decided against posting it more than once. Now seems better than ever, though, and I guess it's needed.

I was a bit hasty in posting my last entry, rather angry no less. I've gotten plenty of funny looks, plenty of glares, plenty of insults slung in my direction... All of which I have expected. In a way, maybe I deserve them. I don't know.

I've had a lot of things said to me this past week. I've been told that I'm a cold, heartless bitch. I've been told that I absolutely cannot be in a monogamous relationship. I've been told that I'm going to "heartfuck" Nathan, and that whoever it is I "heartfuck" him with, I'm going to mindfuck. I've been accused of doing naught but playing games with Dustin all along. I just...

Last week, Dustin broke up with me. It's no secret we'd been on the outs since he showed up in Arkansas, and none too lightly. He did try to recant breaking up with me, and also tried to get me to promise two things to him. Being the stubborn, unbending mule that I am, all it did was anger me further, and cause me to refuse. He came to me at work that night, again demanding these promises out of me. He didn't get them, and I didn't go home at all that following day.

The following night, he showed up at my workplace. Words were had, sort of, and in the long run, Dustin tried to kill himself in the middle of the store. We've not spoken since, and the word I get is that he spent four days in jail as a result. But he's alive, and for that I'm thankful.

I'll not say that Dustin was at fault, or the full cause of our downfall. He had his fair share, certainly. But me? Cold, unwilling to bend, to compromise, to change my way of life in which I have become so accustomed to... It was that, not the lust or the want of another, that was ultimately our downfall. Perhaps he was right all along. He had his doubts about coming down here, about whether or not we would work out, and I insisted. In the end, he was right. I have been telling everyone, from co-workers to friends to family, that what I left in Ohio is not what came down here to Arkansas. Only now am I realizing that it may not be just Dustin and the person I remember him as that I'm talking about, but also the person I was in Ohio, the person he remembers. Maybe, in all of this, I don't blame him.

I already know how much flak I'm going to catch for this, from his friends and family, and perhaps even him. I'm prepared for it, expect it. I've been forgiven by some not involved, who I never expected such from, but...

When Dustin broke up with me, he gave me a ring. Since then, it's been on my person, but not on my hand. I may start wearing it, just... I don't know. I don't hate Dustin. I still care about him. A big part of me's always going to love him, I've told as much as David and Nathan both once upon a time that he was supposed to be "it", or for cheesiness, "the one". The fact that it didn't work out that way is disheartening, sad if you will, but seeing how these last two months panned out, probably much, much better for the both of us.

I haven't touched on Dustin attempting suicide much. Part of me wants to say it didn't phase me, because really, initially, it didn't. Or at least, I thought it didn't. My co-manager told me that I went white when I saw how much blood was all over the aisleway. Every time I walk past that area, I can see it, and see what he did. It burns, I guess. I'm not worth taking a life over, someone else's or his own. I've always been afraid of that result in splitting up with someone, and I guess my fear finally came true. But he's okay, that's what's important to me...

I'm exhausted. This past week/weekend has been the longest in ages, from the bit with my father to everything with Dustin. I feel like my life has finally spun completely out of my control, and I don't even know how to begin to take the wheel again. Luckily, so far, I haven't had to. I've placed my trust and...well, my entire life, in the hands of a select few people. They've tried their best to keep me on course, keep me steady. So far, so good.

It seems to wrong to be this idly calm when that which has been the entire source of my strength for my entire life is soon to be lost to me. The fact that he hated...hates, it when I cry, is the only thing keeping me from becoming an absolute sobbing mess.

Work was not bad, other than the fact that I have bruises where no one should ever have bruises from a job. But alas.

Last night for the week. Andrew should be there tonight. Can't..wait, I guess.

Ambulance just came and got my dad. I know nothing other than that.

Hmm.

It seems this whole updating thing is coming in a once-a-week form. That wasn't really how I wanted it to go down.

It's pretty stormy out today. Raining like mad, and then there's the occasional burst thunderstorm. To be honest, the weather fits the mood of both last night and this morning. Last night was ridiculous. This morning, I'm getting a ton of attitude from people from various corners.

Last night, grocery had 3000 pieces. To anyone on GM side, that's a laughable number, I know. I've done the GM thing, I've been there with them on their awesome 4500 piece nights. Let me tell you that 3000 on grocery felt more like 5000 on GM than it did anything else. I got swamped in coffee from the start of the night, and having to go aid a co-worker who seemed to be moving at half the speed of stopped near the very end of the night just set me off unlike anything in that store ever has. I hate the can aisle. I hate busting my ass to save someone else's ass when all they're doing is sitting around with their thumb up their butt. There are a lot of references to butts in that last sentence.

I got a bit o' attitude from Nathan after work. I'd agreed to go up and hang out with him today, which I completely forgot about. He ended up bringing me home without my asking, as I had mentioned how tired I was. Cue the attitude. I'm not really holding it against him, I guess. I kinda appreciate it. Still, mildly frustrating. I ran into more attitude as soon as I came in (After dunking my foot into what seems like a small lake in front of my house. Boots will be worn tonight.) because I suppose I didn't seem interested enough in the food she was telling me about. I really can't seem to win.

Speaking of Nathan, for the amount of times he's mentioned Bizz and the paragraphs his own existence warrants from Bizz, I'd like to point out that I have never, ever had so many random females just stand and glare at me simply for being around someone. Granted, these females aren't random to Nathan, but I think that's beside the point. To take a page from Sam's book, I don't think I have enough fingers to count...

I ran into David last week at work. By ran into, I mean he and a random nameless male stalked uselessly around grocery for an unknown amount of time. David didn't say anything to me. Smirked at me a few times, but didn't say anything. Random Nameless Male waved at me..-

And that's as far as I got with this entry yesterday before Nathan came over and Bizz came home. Too bad I can't remember all the other stuff I was going to write here. Oh well.

Ever feel like you can do NOTHING right?

sdflhf everyone is going horde why haven't I