I haven't given a real update in awhile now. I'm not exhausted, and I don't really have anywhere I have to or need to rush off to, though a large part of me wants to go somewhere or do something.
I've been wanting to do that a lot lately. Run, that is. It seems like no matter where I turn, there's drama afoot. I mean, granted, in most cases the issues that are at hand are important ones. It doesn't change the fact that I am tired mentally from all of this. I really can't bring myself to WANT to be here, to deal with any of it.
Nathan wrote a rather in-detail entry the other day, noting how I compared him and Mitch. He misconstrued it, greatly, but it made me think a lot more than I figure it was intended to.
I was still thinking about it into the next night, in which he did not work. All night, people were asking me where he was. It made me realize how much of my (week)day consists of his presence, and vice-versa. Paired with his entry, something made me think that just maybe, his life would be a tad bit easier if I wasn't in it. He wouldn't second-guess the things he talked about, in fear of pissing me off. He wouldn't have to re-think his re-enlistment (There are too many re's here), and could flat out do whatever he wanted without worrying about, again, pissing me off. And knowing how he feels about me, there would be an ease on that...
When Sam came around the corner and asked me where Nathan was, I told him. I also got the line, "I think...I'm done with this job." halfway out of my mouth before I stopped myself. I need the money, and Nathan (Not to mention over half of my household) would have been angry with me if I'd just let go and given up that easily. I ended up telling Nathan that I'd damn near quit, and as I had predicted, he wasn't pleased. My mood wasn't the greatest over the rest of the night, either.
Over the course of the weekend, I didn't bother being on my PC all that much. I went out, got groceries for the house. I made dinner for the family. Hell, I
baked. I watched the kids. I took Dustin, my mom, and Scott out to lunch. I bought my grandmother lunch. I don't think I even touched my phone for more than a total of ten minutes over the two day period. I spent a
lot of time with Dustin, be it beating the crap out of him in Tekken, running the menial errands, exploring random, old stores, or just talking. It was...nice. It was more than nice. It was a definite change.
This week thus far, not so nice. Once again I'm back in the doghouse, or something, for that in which I do not even know the origins of. I get the "it's me, not you" (Oh, see? I changed it up) bit, of course, but that always runs into an underlying something or other that I am doing or not doing to make him...however he is. It seems like an end-of-the-week thing every week now. One complaint I know that is going to come up again (Yay, journal) is going to be what time I go to bed, or don't go to bed. Constantly am I told I should "give it a whirl", this whole going to bed earlier and getting up earlier bit. What he doesn't seem to hear, repeatedly, is that I've "given it a whirl". I did it constantly when I was seeing David. The result was Aron having to wake me up in the coffee aisle a couple of times. Hell, I tried it day before yesterday. The result was an awesome three and a half hours of sleep, total, in which I ended up going to bed later in the day anyway. I'd rather not do that again. I thought I was going to die the first few months I was working at Walmart because of my sleep habits. This seems to work.
It seems like, lately, I can't have the right answer for anyone. Someone's mad at me for something, constantly, and there is no right move to make to fix it. If there is, someone else is mad at me for fixing the issue with someone else. I cannot win for them, and I cannot win for myself. Thus, wanting to run away.
It's almost kind of sad. I walked home in the rain yesterday (By choice, mind you), and I think it's the closest thing to being at peace I have felt in a very, very long time.